How do I forgive someone?

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The question is not only how do you forgive someone, but even deeper, how do you forgive someone when the situation or person never changes? There is a lot of hurt in this world, and one of the huge marks of a Christian is that we are called to forgive. But what does it mean to forgive? Does it mean that we are to act like nothing ever happened? Does it mean that we are to just go and trust them again? 


According to God’s Word, forgiveness is letting go of/canceling the debt owed. This comes from the greek word aphiemi [to hurl away, i.e. we are hurling away the hatred]. We see this in Matthew 18:23-34. The Master forgave the debt, in which the man was no longer required to pay the debt. So, what it means for us to forgive is to release the hatred, bitterness, revenge, ill-desires, and whatever negative feelings we have towards the person. This is difficult, and is not a one time thing, but something that we are called to daily do for the rest of our lives. 

Here are some steps to help us walk in forgiveness daily. 
1. Pray and take thoughts captive 
When Jesus is teaching us to pray in the Lord’s Prayer, He commands us to forgive.  

• Matthew 6:12 -- 12 and forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.
• Mark 11:24–25 -- 24 Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. 25 And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.”

So we are commanded to forgive, but how do we do it? By taking captive our thoughts, because what we dwell on is what guides our emotions. If we dwell on the hurt and the pain, then we will allow that bitterness to grow in us. But if we take control our thoughts, we are able to walk in forgiveness. 

• 2 Corinthians 10:5 -- 5 We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ,
• Romans 12:2 -- 2 Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. 
• Ephesians 4:26–27 -- 26 Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, 27 and give no opportunity to the devil.

2. If Possible, Overlook the Offense
A lot of times, we allow our pride to get in the way, and we take offense at minor things. We then allow ourselves to hold grudges over things that we should just overlook. 

• Proverbs 19:11 -- 11 Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense.
• Proverbs 10:12 -- 12 Hatred stirs up strife,but love covers all offenses.

Therefore, if you are able to overlook it and just let it go, it is to your benefit. 

• Ephesians 4:2 -- 2 with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love,
• Romans 12:17–18 -- 17 Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. 18 If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.

We also need to understand the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. These two are not the same thing. Forgiveness is the first step in reconciliation, but it does not guarantee reconciliation [the two parties being united together again, made right]. Forgiveness is a one sided action, it does not require both parties. If you are the offended, you are called to forgive regardless of what the other person does. 

• Matthew 18:21–22 -- 21 Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” 22 Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times.
• Luke 17:3–4 -- 3 Pay attention to yourselves! If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him, 4 and if he sins against you seven times in the day, and turns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive him.”

We see here that these verses call for us to forgive, even if the offense is repeated time and time again. But now for reconciliation to occur, both parties must have a desire for the relationship to be restored. When we are offended, and are able to forgive, it causes us to seek the offending party out and to attempt to make the relationship right. But reconciliation requires the offending party to be repentant. Without forgiveness and without unrepentance, the parties are not able to be reconciled. And this leads us to our final point in forgiveness. 

3. Confront 
If we can’t overlook the offense, we are called to then go and confront those who have offended us. 

• Luke 17:3 -- 3 Pay attention to yourselves! If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him,

Jesus tells us that if our brother sins, we are to go and rebuke them. Paul tells us that when we do this, we must do it with humility and gentleness. 

• Ephesians 4:2 -- 2 with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love,

Through prayer, we are able to go and confront the person, not seeking to prove ourselves right, but seeking to have a relationship be restored. Forgiveness is the first step, restoration is the end goal. 

• Matthew 5:23–24 -- 23 So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, 24 leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.
• Matthew 18:15 -- 15 “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother.

If they continue to not listen to you, we are told to continue to love them. 

• Romans 12:17–21 -- 17 Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. 18 If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. 19 Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” 20 To the contrary, “if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.” 21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
• Matthew 5:44  -- 44 But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you,
• 1 Corinthians 13:4–8 -- 4 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 5 or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; 6 it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.8 Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away.

The final way to walk in forgiveness, is to understand the Gospel of Jesus, and the depth that He has forgiven us. If you think Jesus would be fine with us not forgiving, you don’t grasp the severity of your own sin. When we grasp how much Jesus has forgiven us, it helps us be able to forgive others. And our unwillingness to forgive is related to people’s belief that Christ can forgive them. If we withhold forgiveness of others, they don’t believe Christ can forgive them either. It hurts our testimony. 
Paul tells us in his writings that the example of our forgiveness is found in Christ. 

• Ephesians 4:32 -- 32 Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.
• Colossians 2:13 -- 13 And you, who were dead in your trespasses and the uncircumcision of your flesh, God made alive together with him, having forgiven us all our trespasses,

What is the extent of God’s forgiveness through Christ? 

• Romans 5:6–8 -- 6 For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. 7 For one will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die— 8 but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
• Colossians 2:13–14 -- 13 And you, who were dead in your trespasses and the uncircumcision of your flesh, God made alive together with him, having forgiven us all our trespasses, 14 by canceling the record of debt that stood against us with its legal demands. This he set aside, nailing it to the cross.
• Galatians 3:13 -- 13 Christ redeemed us from the curse of the law by becoming a curse for us—for it is written, “Cursed is everyone who is hanged on a tree”--

Jesus died for the sins of the world, but we are called to be reconciled to Him still. 

• 2 Corinthians 5:18–21 -- 18 All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation; 19 that is, in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation. 20 Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, God making his appeal through us. We implore you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God. 21 For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.

God has offered forgiveness, but He calls for us to confess our own sins, to repent, and to place our faith in Jesus Christ and we will be reconciled and restored to Him.